Friday, May 18, 2012

Nail polish gives me hope

At first I thought society was doomed; then I thought about nail polish. Nail polish gives me hope for the future. Here's why.

Nail polish is synonymous with progress, striving for excellence, refusing to admit defeat, finding solutions to impossible problems, making my digits bling out and shine against the drab color of my computer keyboard.

Forget affordable healthcare, forget job creation, forget sustainable environmental practices. Where our country SUCCEEDS is in the field of MANICURES.

Observe the following, in which I track my complex love-hate history with manicures / polish / the art of grooming -- culminating in a renewing and triumphant ending (photo included).

Living Through Hope and Despair: Felicia's Nail Polish Flowchart

1. I suck at putting on nail polish; it always looks smudged and like the Joker's mouth on my finger. What do I do? --> Duh. Go get a manicure.

2. Ugh...but manicures suck because I have sensitive cuticles and I am weirdly always paired up with the most violent and vengeful manicurist. --> No you're not, you're just paranoid.

3. You're right, I'll just grin and bear it. --> Good. Now sit there for forty-five minutes while nothing happens and you grow progressively more bored.

4. I guess I'll read a magazine. --> See? Isn't this fun?

5. Crap! Every time I get a manicure I smudge it when I go to pay! --> This is such a no-brainer, Felicia. Just pay BEFOREHAND.

6. But then it chips within, like, a day regardless. What do I do? --> Surprise! Science has just invented something called the GEL MANICURE. It stays on for almost two weeks, whether you like it or not!

7. Whoa! This is awesome! I haven't had a chip in so long! I'm the best! Are you sure it's not, like, cancerous for them to shoot UV rays all over my hands to dry the gel? --> I'm not sure, but I'm going to willfully ignore it.

8. Now how do I get these damn things off? --> I guess you could try to peel them?

9. Owwww owwww owww I just peeled off the gel and it hurts and now my nails look like cottage cheese helllllp. --> That's gross.

10. So what do I do? --> Easy: go back for another gel manicure. At least they didn't chip. At least you're getting added value by having them done professionally. And remember how sometimes even though you hate stuff you forget you hate it after a few days and then you go back and do it again?

11. You're right. I'll keep getting gel manicures, until the rest of time. --> Excellent.

12. But help! Even though gel manicures last, and they look super good, they're so expensive! I'm a poor writer trying to make ends meet while writing a nonsensical novel, but in order to write said novel, I need my nails to stand out colorfully against the keyboard; it is the only way to summon writerly inspiration. So what do I do? --> You're in luck! Try TREND TIPS by Sephora: pre-cut nail polish that you peel and stick on. You think it's going to chip, but it totally won't. It's only $12 bucks, it doesn't have to dry, and it looks fab. Then you just remove it with regular nail polish remover.

13. Uh, did the person writing this blog get paid to write that? --> No, but she should.

14. I love these things! They're the best! --> Wanna show us a pic?

Check it: they're birds, yo.

15. These are so cool! They're like pre-dried nail polish without being sticker-like. They look good and won't smudge. All of my problems have been solved!  If science can perfect the art of nail polish, so can it perfect every aspect of our lives, even if we continue to live unsustainably on our great and mistreated Mother Earth. I'm going to buy all eighteen designs! --> See? Fairy Tales DO exist.


1 comment:

  1. lol Felicia you always make me laugh :)