Sunday, April 21, 2013


I cry very easily. This week a few sturdy shoulders helped catch the tears. I was depressed, then mad, then confused, then cautiously triumphant, and then still depressed.

Of course I am also proud of Boston, of the police force, of the "happy" ending to this terrible, terrible event.

And what's coming now?

The future. I don't know what redemption is. Not in real life. Will justice be served or merely invoked? Dzhokhar is younger than my little sister. I'm not forgiving him. I want to shake him. Or go back in time and change his mind.

The past. Always more pure than the present.

I just talked to my mother on the phone. She told me the first bomber, the older brother, lived two minutes from the house I grew up in. We used to trick-or-treat at his house, in a development full of kids and families. There were helicopters circling on Tuesday and she didn't know why.

I hope I never have to serve on a jury. I can't ever look at someone and wash my hands of them. My first impulse is never to "convict." Doesn't that mean I lack "conviction?" I have a bleeding heart, I guess. I don't know what that really means. Maybe that I bleed for everybody. It gets all over the place.

The victims first.

Martin Richard.
Krystle Campbell.
Lu Lingzi.
Sean Collier.

But then there's always more. It never runs out. Stupid heart. I wish there were a cure. I don't think there is.



  1. I heard a theory that his brother roped him into all of this. That his later actions (hiding in a boat, firing wildly, etc.) showed that he was just terrified, unsure, and hadn't planned it this far at all.

    I don't think you're wrong to want to see the good in people, even when they've done terrible things. It's never that black and white.

  2. When somebody young does something irrationally and monumentally stupid - I can't help but wonder how they will feel about this decision in their 30's. I look back at being 19 and realize what an idiot I was and how different I am now. The year after I graduated high school, there was a school shooting here in my town and three girls were killed. The boy who did it, was 15 years old. This year will be 16 years since it happened and the boy is still in prison - he will likely never get out. Not that I necessarily think he should get out...but it does break my heart that a decision he made at age 15 is going to dictate his entire life.

    The moral of my comment is this: I understand how you feel about the bomber. Yes, what he did is horrific and punishable to the fullest extent of the law. But if we could go back in time, he just might be young and impressionable enough that he could have been stopped from doing this.

    On another note - I do hope that he is the one who did it. What I mean is, that I hope they have the right guy. They were so desperate to get their hands on a suspect quickly and this guy fit the bill. Probably one of my biggest fears in this country, is being caught up as a suspect, and publicly crucified for it, before it's ever proven. I think the media needs to take it easy and the law needs to hold back more of the details of their investigation.

  3. I happened upon this again today. You have such a genuine and beautiful heart... The world truly needs more people like you. Xoxo

  4. Belated thanks for these comments, my friends. You are such a great group of peeps!